Life is a Song
by monteddery
Summary: Set partway through season 12. Callie and Arizona are apart, Penny just got the grant. An old patient of Arizona's is back and makes her slowly realize that maybe she isn't quite done with Callie yet... calzona endgame
1. Chapter 1

Hello everyone!

first time posting so please be gentle! :) please read and review as well! Calzona endgame (:

disclaimer: all characters (except for mikka) belong to shondaland. The song is life is a song by Patrick park

"You say life is a dream, where we can't say what we mean

Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past."

\- Life is a Song, Patrick Park

 _Mikka_

I can't believe i'm here again. It's been 4 years and everything still feels familiar. People are sporadically passing by, and I can hear random medical jargon scattered among what seems to be drama and gossip. I see a few familiar faces, it seems like many things haven't changed that much. I hope she's still here. I doubt I'll get to see her but I hope with all that I am that I'll at least get to see her. She's the silver lining to me here and I haven't been back in years. I can't help how I feel and I don't know that I want to. I finally figured it out, I only hope that I'm not too late.

I'm being wheeled slowly through the hallway. The sterile walls feel like they're closing in on me. The nurse behind me is chatting away and I feel guilty that I can't hear her through sound of my blood rushing through my ears. I can't believe I'm back here. She is saying nice things about how I'm going to have the best care here and I can feel my eyes sting with tears. This wheelchair has a loose wheel. It squeaks as we roll by and I hate it with a blinding passion. It's no one's fault but I can't help it. If I believed in God, I'd say it was his fault and that he was punishing me for something I have yet to do. I'm only twenty, I've barely lived so I haven't done much yet.

When I was sixteen, I was was admitted with abdominal pain, due to mature cystic teratomas on my ovaries. It seemed easy enough to diagnose, but what did I know, I was only sixteen and I wasn't a doctor, still aren't. Things seemed to progress fairly quickly. Unfortunately, they were malignant and then it felt like a long and winding road from then on. My ovaries were removed and I had several follow ups, chemo until I was finally in remission. I still can't help but wonder if I would have made a cute pregnant woman one day. It doesn't matter now, though.

I'm back with what my doctor thinks might be an osteosarcoma. They say once you have cancer, the odds of recurrence increase… or something like that. I was sixteen and honestly, I was more mad that I wasn't out with my friends. Who wants to be the girl with cancer stuck in a hospital bed?

I hate this gown, I feel like I'm overexposed, like I'm weak and frail. This bracelet around my wrist feels constricting. I'm in socks and slippers and I feel a hundred. Sorry, lady but no amount of small talk is going to make this feel better. I appreciate the effort though. Fuck. I want to just yell out FUCK. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be trapped here.

She slows the wheelchair and I can tell we're close to our destination. It turns slowly, entering a room that somehow feels a thousand times smaller than it did last time, even though I'm sure all the rooms here are roughly the same size. Maybe it's because I'm older now, bigger and my perception is all wonky because of all the cancer. I wish I could just shrug this off. Instead, I look up at the number on the door through glassy eyes.

2203

Who knows how long this room is going to be my home for. I really hope she's around here somewhere.

 _Arizona_

I'm walking at a relatively brisk pace to her room, my tablet tucked carefully under my arm. I haven't seen this girl in 4 years and I wonder how she's been. I can't believe she's back again but then again, I'm not really surprised. I just hoped that maybe she was one of the lucky ones. She was a patient of mine for over a year and one of my most memorable. I run a hand through my short blonde hair and sigh deeply. 2203. Here we are.

"Dr. Robbins! I was wondering when you'd show up!"

I hear her voice and i feel my heart break a little. Her dark hair is longer now with blunt bangs across her forehead. Her blue eyes are still bright as ever, filled with wonder and hope but there is sadness laced in them. She looks weaker than she did before, almost tiny in the big hospital bed. The blanket is pulled up around her waist as her hands play with the fabric, her fingers tracing the stripe.

I feel myself want to pause and process what is happening to this girl, but that wouldn't be fair to her. I suck in a deep breath and smile, I know my dimples are out in full effect. I know they're a distraction for most people. How can anyone not feel instantly happy at dimples? "Oh, come on, Mikka, we both know you're itching to say it."

"Say what, Dr. Robbins?"

I look at her, with my arms folded, one eyebrow raised. This girl, sassy as ever. I met her when she was sixteen and she had come in for abdominal pain. While she technically was under pediatric care, she was well beyond her years. Talking to her had definitely become a highlight and I started to think of her as a friend even though there was quite the age difference between us.

"Okay, don't say I didn't give you a shot," I say, shrugging it off and walking further into the room. I stand at the end of her bed and pull up her file on my tablet. Referred by Dr. Peters after three visits due to increasing and persistent pain, and an unexplained limp. X-Ray was inconclusive. Possible osteosarcoma…. Damn. I flip through her history, though I already know everything there is to know. Mikka Anderson. Age twenty. Diagnosed with mature cystic teratoma at sixteen and underwent a full oophorectomy at my scalpel. Extensive chemotherapy and radiation. Was in remission.

"Dude, I heard you were here. What are you in for?" I hear a deep voice behind me and turn to face Alex Karev, leaning casually against the doorframe. I look over and see her cerulean eyes shining with excitement. I hand him my tablet and walk over to her bedside.

I look up at Alex and watch him pour over the information. He was the resident on her case, he knows it all just as well as I do. "Oh, not you too, Alex. Come on, what happened to all the happy happy, positive that you peds people should be emanating? I'm looking more at you, Robbins. Alex, I expected some kind of half-mean comment with the subtle undertones of caring."

"Bite me."

"There he is!" she laughs brightly and opens her arms to him. He smiles and rolls his eyes before obliging. He isn't one for hugs but spending as much time as we did with her all those years ago have blurred the lines of patient-doctor and friendship. Seems like a common occurrence here at Grey-Sloan.

"And you, what's your excuse for not wheeling in here like a ten year old?" she questioned pointedly, looking up at me, our eyes meeting. I forget that she wasn't around for everything that happened a few years ago. I don't feel like telling the long sad tale of what happened years ago. I rarely do. It brings up memories I wish didn't exist and heartache I try to forget.

"Mikka…" starts Alex. I see him look to me, apologetically, clearly unsure of how to proceed.

"Well, I'm waiting…"

I shake my head as my lips curve upward in a sad smile, "I can't."

Mikka brandishes her hand at me, "Can't is can but will not try, Dr. Robbins. How many more times do I have to tell you that?"

I can't help but smile at her. She's so positive, even after all she's been through. I find her strength amazing, I wish I had had her strength at the time. She's lost so much at such a young age. I recall my own losses and remember losing myself for a while and then losing the family I'd built and the love of my life. Mikka looks at me expectantly, her arms folded over her chest. I sigh deeply and lean over, pulling up my navy blue pant leg to show her the prosthesis, "I was in a plane crash a few years ago and lost my leg."

Her eyes widen as she looks me up and down, "Oh my God. Shit, I'm so sorry. I'm such an ass!" She covers her face with her hands and I can see the blush creep up her cheeks. This has gotten awkward.

"Hey, it's ok. You didn't know and it is what it is. I'm still me and I'm still awesome!" I force a smile onto my face and place a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently, "I mean, I am still awesome, right?"

She chuckles gently and looks up at me, "Super."

I can see Alex smiling and shaking his head across the room. I need to make a mental note to ask him what he finds so damn amusing.

Before I can even think to make a move, I hear footsteps behind me, "Arizona? What are you doing here?"

I turn to see her standing there in all her badass glory. Her dark hair pulled up into a neat swirled bun at the base of her head, her perfectly arched eyebrow raised ever so slightly. Her lips parted, God, do I ever miss those lips. I can barely keep myself from looking her over, my gaze following the delicious curves of the body I'd known so well.

"Dr. Torres! It's nice to see you again! Sucks it had to be because I might have cancer, again." I hear her voice and it snaps me out of the brief trance Calliope Torres seems to constantly drive me into. It literally feels like time stops when she's around.

"Mikka, it's nice to see you too. Let's see what we have here, okay?" Her gaze softens as she looks past me and my heart breaks. We've come such a long way, the wrong way. She walks around to the other side of Mikka's bedside, a curly blonde-haired intern at her side.

"And you are?" Mikka asks the blonde directly.

"Isaac Cross, ma'am," he stutters. I roll my eyes. These particular interns are special this year, except for DeLuca. He's quite the step above a lot of these I may be biased, he is my roommate after all.

"Don't ma'am me. You're older than I am!" Mikka pretends to be offended and I am smiling at the interaction. Cross looks like he's going to wet himself. He needs a new pair and a new spine.

"Uh, yes, ma'am, I mean, sorry, uh," he stutters again and she stares at him. He seriously needs a new pair.

"Present, Dr. Cross otherwise Dr. Torres isn't going to be too happy with you."

Cross looks nervously at Callie, her eyebrow raised yet again as she looks at him, unimpressed. We're all waiting for him to present. He finally opens his mouth and presents the case to Callie, who promptly tells him to draw some blood and run some tests before taking her leave, the intern nodding furiously behind her.

I look at her walk out of the room without so much as a look toward me and I am crestfallen. This is just awful. I try my best to suck up the hurt and continue visiting with Mikka only to find her staring at me, really staring.

"You wanna tell me what the hell that was, Zones?" there it is. That horrendous abbreviation of my name she insists on using.


	2. Chapter 2

So not a lot of reception so far but that's ok :) I think people are reading! Haha and honestly it's a bit of a slow start so I get it. For those of you still reading or reading for the first time, my sincerest thanks! I just want to share these ideas with people. Read and review please :)

-Teddy

Disclaimer: all characters belong to shondaland with the exception of Mikka. The song does not belong to me either. 85 is the work of Patrick Park :)

"There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week.

And there's no promises of peace or of happiness."

\- Life is a Song, Patrick Park

 _Arizona_

I've had many nicknames before. Blondie, McDimples, Dr. Sweetheart, and a slew of cities in, surprise surprise, Arizona but for some reason this one just irks me. I've been called Ari and Zona. Zones just seems lazy; like an abbreviation of an abbreviation. It makes about as much sense as calling the US, U. I can't deny her though. She's stubborn, sticks to her guns and can probably convince me somehow in the end that this is a convenient and efficient way to speak. She's that good.

I'm not sure where to start when to comes to explaining to Mikka what happened between Callie and I. It's really none of her business but I know her heart is in the right place. Do I start with the crash where I lost my leg and lost myself? The stupid stupid mistake of cheating with Lauren? Our separation where I was sleeping with Murphy? The miscarriage? The fellowship? The counselling that eventually led Calliope to leave me? I can feel my heart break as I relive it in my head. She's moved on. It feels like since the day she left me she's moved on.

"I really don't understand why you call me that. It sounds horrible. You might as well call me Time!" I force the conversation away from my failed marriage.

"Now that makes no sense, Zones." She folds her arms, slowly over her chest. I can tell she's in pain by this simple motion and I know it's a bad sign, but I can still hope. Ortho may not be my speciality but in Peds, you dabble in everything.

"Like time zones, Mikka."

"That's stupid," she quips.

"That's not nice."

"I'm not sixteen anymore, Dr. Robbins. You're aware of this, no?" She looks up at me with those big blue eyes and I sigh. She's actually ridiculous but she is absolutely infectious. She's a great young woman and she is definitely making this day a little brighter.

"Of course, I am."

"Don't scold me then. I'm not a child. It's about time you see that. When we met I was sixteen, I'm not sixteen anymore." This time she's serious. I remember having similar conversations like these a few years ago but the age issue was more of an issue. Now, she seems more seasoned, more relaxed. I'm not sure what happened in the four years since she's been here but she seems to have grown a lot. Though our current conversation would suggest otherwise, there is a air of wisdom surrounding her. Maybe it's because she's been through so much at a young age or maybe she truly is just an old soul. Either way, I find myself drawn to talk to her. Like I've found a kindred spirit in someone nearly half my age. I'm nowhere ready for this conversation. It's been a few years since Callie and I were together and I still find it hard to talk about it. I'm over the bad, the ugly and the guilt but I'm not over her. I'm not sure I ever will be.

I had made a revelation a little while ago, when the older man I befriended in the hallway during the silver flood showed me that you could find love anytime. If Abe could at ninety, why couldn't I? It's more a matter of if I want to. At the end of the day, I know who I want… Who I've always wanted and who I will always want. It's just too late. I might as well have some fun instead. I know many people don't approve of what i'm doing but honestly, I'm not sure that I care. This is who I was before and before, I was a little -well, a lot slutty. I used to get around, from bed to bed, nothing serious because, well, I never wanted it. I didn't want to commit to anything, not really. At least until I met her. I didn't even meet her until several weeks later but she had caught my eye and from then on I was under a spell. Any Ortho-Peds case that walked or rolled in, I couldn't help but watch her. She was a rockstar with a scalpel and miraculous. She still is. How I feel about her hasn't changed. She's even more amazing and stunning now, if that's even a possibility. I really wish I hadn't screwed everything up so badly.

"Arizona?"

I hear her voice and I snap from my thoughts. I can feel tears beginning to well behind my eyelids. I shake my head quickly and try to blink the tears away, "I'll come by sometime after all of your tests, ok?"

I can see her strain her neck a bit to see me and I thank God for the long blond hair falling just enough over my face. I reach over and pat her leg over the blanket, my thumb running over her shin, gently before I turn on my heels and walk away. Maybe I'll tell her another time.

 _Mikka_

I can see her hide her face, she's not as slick as she thinks she is. I get it though, not wanting to talk about the past. I know she'll ask me soon when my parents are coming. The last time I came in, I admitted myself and they came days later. It's not that they didn't love me but they were busy and I didn't want to be a bother. Arizona had convinced me that maybe it was time to bother them.

They're not coming this time around. They passed away two years ago in a car accident. It was like something out of a bad movie. They were driving on a cold winter night and hit a patch of ice. Their car wrapped around a tree. They both died on impact. I was a mess for a while there, that was to be expected. I shut pretty much everyone out. I was officially entirely alone. They didn't have any family other than our own little threesome. I took care of everything and then began to take care of myself. As much as I miss them terribly everyday, I'm secretly glad they don't have to witness any of this. I can see it in Alex and Arizona's eyes that they're worried. They're doctors. If they're worried, I'm worried.

Dan and I broke up shortly after my parents passed away. He deserved someone who could love him like he loved me. I just couldn't be that person. I cared for him deeply but it would never go beyond that.

My mind jumps around. I'm mad. I hide it well, I suppose but I'm mad. I'm mad that this is how my life is turning out. Just a series of horribly unfortunate events. First the teratomas, then my parents, and now this. For a split second I feel guilty that my breakup with Dan isn't worth mentioning in this list of crappy hands I've been dealt. What's next? I bite back tears as I think about everything else that's happened. I lie back as I watch the curly blonde-headed man-boy comes into my room. He draws my blood and starts to ramble about Torres and test and I can't be bothered to respond. I just look at him and nod slowly. I have no idea if he's asking me questions or not. At this point, do what you will, Cross.

He wheels me through the hospital, scan after scan before I'm back in bed. My head pressed against the pillow, eyes closed tight as I grip the sheets, trying not to cry. I wish I wasn't alone right now. I've literally got no one. It feels like I'm sinking in a pool of my own despair. What did I do to end up like this? Just… fuck.

"Mikka?"

I open my eyes and I feel my breath catch in my chest. Damn. She's beautiful. We lock eyes and I'm stunned by how blue her eyes are. She's the first person I've ever truly been attracted to. I nod at her, slowly. She smiles at me before sitting in the chair in the corner of the room and we sit in a comfortable silence. I watch her carefully, the blonde hair cascading over her shoulders, soft pink lips. If I could have any wish, it would be to kiss her at least once in my lifetime.

I immediately forget how angry I was because Arizona Robbins is my silver lining.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks so much for a follows and reviews and favs :) I've never posted stuff up before so this is the most anyone has ever read my stuff and it feels wonderful to be honest. I'm glad so far the reception has been positive. :)

Disclaimer: all characters except for Mikka belong to shondaland. The song belongs to Patrick Park.

"Well is this why you cling to every little thing

And pulverize and derange all your senses"

\- Life is a Song, Patrick Park

 _Arizona_

"Are you ready to talk yet, Zones?" She's staring straight at me. She shifts slowly and I can see the pain shoot through her eyes. I can't help but wonder how long she's been in this much pain. She's so strong and she hides it fairly well, almost too well. I know her enough, her mannerisms and quirks. Spending as much time as she did in my Peds ward helped me get to know the young woman. When her chest and neck begin to flush, she's in pain and right now, it's almost an angry red. I wish I could do something for her but I'm not her doctor and I know better than to overstep my bounds. She's not due for another bump of meds for a half hour or so. Callie will be in soon, I'm sure. I'd prefer not to mess with her treatment plan.

"Tell me about Callie." This girl is relentless.

"Tell me about Dan, " I fire back. Two can play at this game.

"That's over," she says, simply. She lies fully on her side, her hands tucked under the pillow as she shivers gently. There's no sadness in her eyes when she says this. No nostalgia and no regret.

"What happened?" I walk over and bring the blanket up to cover her shoulders. I sit on the edge of her bed, if we're going to be discussing personal matters it would be best if we weren't talking at full volume. At this hospital, it feels like even the walls have ears.

"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours!" I can see her mood change a little as I move closer to her, pushing back slightly to adjust for my position on the bed. My feet are off the ground and I am grateful to have my leg rest a bit. It's been a long day of surgeries and consults.

"Now who's acting like a child? I'm not going to barter failed relationship stories, Mikka," I can't help but roll my eyes at her. I'm sure one day I'll give in and tell her about it all but right now isn't the time.

"One friend to another, then." I know better than this but I can't help it. Our eyes meet and I can feel my resolve buckle. The boundary between doctor and patient is a blurred one that in particular this hospital straddles constantly. This girl, I feel like this girl is a confidant. I am drawn to tell her everything but my feelings for Calliope keep me from taking this any further. One story from only one side is a dangerous game and I would never want her to feel caught in the middle, feeling like she needed to choose a side. There are no sides here, only broken hearts.

"I just… screwed it all up. I was broken and screwed it all up. There was only so much our relationship could take. That's all I'll say for now."

"I'm gay."

I smile, knowingly. I always had a hunch. My gaydar is still pretty good. She looks at me incredulously. I can almost hear her say "Shut up, Zones." We talk a while longer, she's clearly avoiding something and I'm not sure what. I decide that I'm going to wait until she decides to tell me.

I can almost sense when she's around. She is everything to me and yet she's so far. I've memorized her footsteps. It feels like the air changes when she's around. My Calliope. She walks in and I can tell right away that it's not good. "Hey Mikka, how are you feeling?" Her voice has dropped a little, it must be really bad.

"I've had better days, Doctor Torres," Mikka struggles to sit up. She looks exhausted, drained. I'm hoping a good night's rest will help but honestly, I know it probably won't. Not if she's already in this much pain. I start to wonder where her parents are? Duke and Andrea were late a lot the last time Mikka was admitted but they showed up when it really mattered. I make a mental note to ask her about them later. They may not even know. It took Mikka some time to call her parents the last time she was here and if it's as bad as I think it, she should really call them.

Callie looks at me and our eyes meet briefly. I relish in this for a brief moment. We barely look at each other anymore. She nods toward the door and I nod back. I start to stand and I feel slender fingers wrap around my wrist, "Stay with me, Zones. I don't have anyone else."

My heart breaks a little, her voice sounds so small. Callie sighs audibly, it's clear she's uncomfortable with this but I ignore her and replace myself back onto the bed next to Mikka.

Suddenly, it feels like everything in moving in slow motion as I digest what she is saying. All of my suspicions confirmed but even worse. I find myself flashing back to my old friend, Nick. It's slightly different for Mikka though. Worse. Far more advanced. The cancer has spread to her heart and brain. It is a miracle she's walking. I can feel my heart break for her. I look over and Mikka's eyes are shining with tears dancing, pooling in her lower eyelids. I instinctively grab her hand and squeeze it tight. I swallow the lump in my throat. This isn't my time to cry. This isn't about me at all. This is about this darling, beautiful girl who's just been handed a death sentence. I have no words to say other than I'm sorry and I hate myself for it.

As a doctor, I say sorry a lot. Sometimes I can do something about it, other times, it's a true apology that despite constant medical advances, I can't help. I can't save everyone, no matter how hard I try. It is the worst part of the job. They tell me to focus on the lives I can save and all I can think about some days are the tiny coffins of the children who've past and the tinier ones of the babies I couldn't save. They still haunt me, this part of my job likely always will. Sorry doesn't change anything. Maybe we say it to make ourselves feel better about what's about to happen. Maybe we say it because we don't know what else to say. Either way, I truly am sorry and I am heartbroken. She doesn't deserve this.

I look at Callie and our eyes meet briefly. I can tell she's having the same internal dialogue.

"I'm so sorry, Mikka," Callie and I say, our voices staggered.

"Mikka, I think maybe we should call your parents," I say gently, my thumb slowly tracing circles over the skin of her hand. She grips my hand tightly as tears begin to spill from her cerulean eyes.

As sob escapes her lips as she fights to speak, her lower lip trembling as fat droplets cascade down her cheeks at all angles, "I can't. They're dead."


	4. Chapter 4

Hi all,

sorry about the previous updates! Not sure how that happened but thanks to

andrsopho91 for drawing my attention to it!

Happy reading!

-Teddy

Disclaimer: all characters except for Mikka belong to Shondaland. The song is life is a song by Patrick Park.

"Maybe life is a song but you're scared to sing along

Until the very ending"

\- Life is a Song, Patrick Park

 _Mikka_

This is all fucked. I'm dying. I don't understand. I'm crying, sobbing now. I can barely control myself but everything hurts so I'm barely moving. I guess the dying thing is why. I love that she's holding my hand but I hate that this is why. I have nothing and pretty soon I'll just be nothing. I'll disappear and no one will ever remember me. I don't really have friends, I spent so much time in the hospital, the peds ward no less. Many of my friends were children and I'm sure no one wants a twenty year old girl coming to their door asking if their kid can come hang out.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. My life really is over.

Why didn't I come sooner? I should have come sooner. After all I went through, to do something this stupid. I knew something was up, I was hoping, praying it was nothing. I was hoping I was just tired, just sore, just anything but sick. The pain got so bad, I couldn't deny it anymore and here I am. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I don't know what happens, what will happen. I'm so mad at myself. There aren't any words to fully explain how this feels, being told that it's only a matter of time. They can make me comfortable. It seems like it's all happening so fast. I don't understand.

"What about chemo, anything?" I hear my voice and I can barely process that I'm talking. I can't stop crying. I don't even know what she said. I can't help thinking about what I"m supposed to do next. I have no one to call and nothing to do… but wait, I guess. I want to ask how long but I don't want to know the answer. I don't want to count it down. Imagine the horror of counting it down only to be alive on the day you thought you were going to die… or to die sooner than the date predicted. I almost want to laugh at how ridiculous this all is. I'm dying. I'm fucking dying and I've barely lived.

I have no one and soon I'll just cease to exist. No one will remember me. Who handles my funeral? Do I want a funeral? What happens to my family's stuff? Maybe it's best that I have no one. No one to watch how pathetic this ending is. No one to watch and no one to care that it's pathetic. It would have been nice to have someone. I can't stop crying and soon I can't breathe.


	5. Chapter 5

Hello again!

I know some of you are wondering when we're going to get to the Calzona stuff... it's coming I promise! Please stay along for the ride :)

-Teddy

"Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know

Ideas that strengthen who we've been"

\- Life is a Song, Patrick Park

 _Mikka_

I'm thinking maybe they sedated me but I don't know. Last I remember I couldn't breathe. Maybe I passed out. I'm not intubated so I must be ok. Well, relatively. I don't remember when they left or how I fell asleep but if they did sedate me I'm glad. How do you come to terms with something like this? I just accept that at 20, I'm just done? Am I going to somehow just be ok with all of this? Accept my fate? I'm not sure, honestly. I lie back and stare at the ceiling.

 _Callie_

I'm sitting in the attending's lounge with her and I don't know what to say. I never expected her to take it this hard. She's talking a lot, moreso than usual, about options. She's looking at Mikka's scans, flipping them over and over. She knows what I know. I know it's not that she doesn't trust me or my judgement. She's trying to find an out. I realize how similar this all is to Nick and I mentally slap myself. Of course. Of course, she's having a hard time with this, it's almost the same.

I decide I'm going to let her talk herself into circles a little more until she comes to it on her own. All I want to do though is hold her. We've been apart for what feels like forever and I know it instigated it. We spent so much time making each other miserable by trying so hard to fix it. We should have tried to grow together instead of trying to go back to how we were before everything. Now here we are, healed from our old wounds and I can't help but wonder about us.

I never stopped loving her, caring about her, worrying. I miss everything about her. I miss her smell, her touch, her laugh, her warmth, that twinkle in her eye when she'd look at me and I knew that I was the only one she was looking at. Sometimes, I think I still see it there but I know it can't be. Then again, if I'm thinking these things, I suppose it's entirely possible she's thinking the same. I hope she is but after how it all ended, I doubt it. ...and I have Penny.

I'm almost stareing now, her golden blonde hair bouncing effortlessly as she flips the chart. My eyes follow the long expanse of her neck before stopping at the navy blue scrubs she wore so well. I watch carefully as those perfect pink lips I always loved move slowly. Together or not, I've always been and always will be very, very attracted to Arizona Robbins… but I have Penny.

"Callie? Callie!"

She snaps me out of my reverie. "Uh, yes, Arizona?"

"We can't save her, can we?" Her voice sounds so small and I feel my heart break a little.

She sighs and sits next to me. I can feel her tense but I'm not sure if it's because this is the closest we've been in what seems like an eternity or if it's because, well I don't know why. My heart begins to thrash wildly about in my chest, she's the only one who's ever had this hold on me. She's not even trying. I find I have to tell myself again.. I have Penny.

 _Arizona_

I want to lean on her, I want to be enveloped in her. She doesn't seem to be moving. I leaned on her when my mentor was undergoing surgery and I want to lean on her now. My friend is dying and there's nothing we can do to stop it and all I want is to lean on the person I used to call my wife. I know I'll have to explain this all to April later and she'll likely be upset I didn't tell her immediately. She is my best friend after all. I wish Teddy were here too. Things haven't been the same since she left. I love April, I really do but I miss Teddy's wisdom and her no bull-shit advice. I make a mental note to Skype her sometime this week. She feels a world away.

A warm hand on my thigh brings me out of my head. I can feel goosebumps cover my skin. She's the only woman to ever have this effect on me. She rubs my leg gently with gentle strokes of the pad of her thumb and I feel my eyes begin to flutter to a close. She really has magic hands. I miss them on me. It feels odd to have these feelings stir within me when so many other things are going on but Jesus, does she ever feel good…. but she has Penny. Perfect Penny. Most days I don't have to remind myself she has someone different. It's always in my face. It's here at the hospital. It's when I'm sleeping alone at night, when I'm sleeping with someone else but in this moment, there's only her… and she's not mine.

 _Callie_

Somedays are harder than others to resist her. So much has happened but I can't stop feeling how I feel about her. She is always going to be someone for me. For the most part I kept my distance and it was for this exact reason. I've been drawn to her since she kissed me in that dirty bar bathroom. That hasn't changed… even with Penny.

 _Arizona_

Don't get comfortable, Arizona. She's just being nice. Despite my own warnings, my body leans into hers, slipping just under her arm, her hand still tracing lazy circles on my scrub covered thigh. Her arm is pressed firmly against my breast and I'm praying to God that she can't feel my heart racing. Everything about her is arousing and comforting. I wish I hadn't fucked things up so badly. I wish she was still mine.

 _Callie_

Don't put your head on my shoulder. Don't do it, Arizona. The silence is both comfortable and tense. She feels like coming home. She can't. I can't. We can't. We can't. I repeat this to myself again. Too much has happened. She sighs audibly and nuzzles further into me. Shit.


	6. Chapter 6

Happy New Year! I hope everyone had fantastic holidays! :)

Please read and review :)

xo

Teddy

"It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds

From the chains and shackles that they're in"

\- Life is a Song, Patrick Park

 _Callie_

It feels like time is standing still as I am transported to our old life. I miss the way she feels, the way she smells. I miss her laugh, getting lost in those cerulean irises. I miss the dimples and her girly hands. I can't help but remember the better times, the happier times. I genuinely used to believe we were going to be together for the long haul. That there was nothing we couldn't weather. Our love was that magical. God, that super magic smile that could stop the whole world from spinning if she wanted it to. In this moment, I struggle to remember why we parted. Why I felt I needed to walk away. I always wondered if I had made a mistake. Could I not have worked on making me happy with her? Could we really not fix us and each other?

I try to remember the decision I made. It was right for me at the time and I stand behind it… most days. Today, I wish she were mine. Today, I wish I didn't feel like I wasn't allowed to have her this close to me. Today, I wish I was hers. Today, I wish the person standing in the doorway wasn't my red-headed girlfriend. I feel the heat rise to my face as I sit up straight and pull away from the soft warmth of my ex-wife.

"Penny!"

She looks back and forth between me and Arizona, who looks unfazed and begins to stand.

"Dr. Torres. Dr. Robbins, I have the labs for the boy in room 1805 for you," Penny speaks calmly and walks past me to hand Arizona the folder.

"Great, thanks, Blake. I'll meet you there in twenty," Arizona replies as she begins to look through her patient's labs. Penny nods and backs out of the room, barely looking at me in the process. Well, shit. I'm in trouble now.

I feel nervous for a second, almost guilty about the nothing that transpired between Arizona and I. If I am truly honest with myself, I miss Arizona more, feeling her like I just had, sitting with her, enjoying her company. That, to me, is even worse.

 _Arizona_

I'm staring at these labs like I mean it but I my mind is elsewhere. Penny walked in on nothing, right?

It's just Calliope and I now and the air feels heavy and it weighs on my heart. I can feel myself screaming out for her but the labs in my hand remind me that I lost her a long time ago. She is happy now. Her girlfriend handed me her labs. Her wonderful, perfect Penny. I can remember, all too vividly, her telling Maggie and Amelia all about her…

"I can't stop thinking about her. You know when you meet someone and you get that flutter? That rush?" Callie giggled as she twirled the dark brown tendril framing her face, "And it feels like you know them and they know you and you think to yourself 'I could stare at this person's face forever."

Forever. Two dates in and Callie was already talking about forever. It's been months now and Callie jumps all in in everything she does and relationships are no exception. They're probably madly in love now and I'm standing here thinking about how much I want her. My beautiful, breathtakingly stunning, wonderful, miraculous Calliope isn't mine to have and to hold. It's time I accepted that. It's been over a year.

I clear my throat and walk toward the door, pausing for a second to look back at her, "Thanks, Calliope."

 _Callie_

"Thanks, Calliope."

Those beautiful baby blues lock with mine for second and I can feel my heart sink. Why does this feel like goodbye?


End file.
